I am thinking that it is time for a new chapter in my life.
Heck, maybe even a brand new book.
Because I have a confession to make. Although I’ve tried a lot of things, I have lived too much of my life lacking dedication.
To goals. To work. To school. To myself. To God. To you.
I haven’t dedicated all of me to this thing called a life that I was put here to be dedicated to.
Because, I’ll be honest, I’ve been scared. Of failing myself. Of failing the people I love. Of working hard and nothing changing. Of absolutely everything changing all at once. And I am still scared of those things, but I am refusing to be scared into sitting on my couch for another second.
So although it’s not January, although it’s August the twelfth as I write this, it is time for some new resolutions. You see, new is coming whether I wish for it to or not, so I’m deciding to manufacture and design some of that newness now with a prayer in my heart and a pen in my hand.
I am dedicating myself to:
-Grow a bigger and better faith, to walk more closely with God, to learn more about the Hands that have shaped me. Pray more and worry less. Write to God more and write to-do lists less.
-Build a stronger body, eat and sweat my way into a healthier body. Run hard, and walk hard, and lift hard, and learn to make choices that make me feel proud of myself.
-Give my work what it deserves. Start going above and beyond not just for an “A”, but for my own integrity.
-Give you what you deserve. Be in the moment as the moment happens. Be with you when I’m with you. Tell you I love you more often because I can never know how many times I’ll be blessed to say it. Play “Piggy and the Bear” with the little ones more, because although it leaves me short of breath that is the most beautiful breathlessness anyone could ever ask for. Hug more and and hurt less. Listen more and talk much, much less. Because if I’m breathing the same air as you, you deserve my best.
-Put calluses on my hands, on my fingertips. They will be lovely, those places of toughness. They will mean I am stronger, that my yard is raked and the flowers are blooming and I am making music with my guitar that I couldn’t make before.
-Fix my sleep schedule. Teach myself that there isn’t a Facebook status or chapter of a book that will make me happier than a good night’s rest.
-Be happy, for no reason other than the fact that I am alive. Learn to love being alone and stop feeling lonely. Sing more and nap less. Scrapbook more and sit less. Make things and read things and cook things and bake things and love things and write things and then swirl all those things together in my head until there’s no room left for anything less than happiness. And then spread it. All over. Spread that happiness everywhere like pink frosting on a big cake I baked in the oven of my life with the batter of my choices.
It’s scary. To dedicate myself to these things. And it will be hard. And there will be days when I reach inside for encouragement and come up with a big handful of nothing but “I can’t.” But I will turn those days into “Do it anyway” days and I will look back six months from now, a year from now, and I will be better than I am now. And I can’t wait. So tonight, I’m dedicating myself to this…
I am dedicating myself to my life.
-Jessi Sanders 2012