The Words to Tell You.

For the first time in a long time this pen feels strange in my hand.

For the first time in a very long time I feel like I don’t have the words for this.

I feel like I don’t have the words to tell you that I am trying to be strong for the person who has always been my strength.

That I’m trying hard to relearn what it means to be strong. I’m trying to relearn strength.

That although this past week has been tumultuous, that I’ve cried and prayed and been angry and brokenhearted in the past seven days, I have not put the pen to these pages because a tiny part of me is beginning to doubt that these words can actually fix anything.

That I can’t fix this.

That I am trying hard to know I’m not the healer of this, and while I know it I am trying to put my faith in the Hands that have healed the world. I am trying hard to believe that those Hands I love so much are healing this person who is an integral part of my world in a way that my words will never be capable of.

That I am so unutterable thankful to you for the ways you have helped me this week. For chicken soup and chicken dumplings and chicken pot pies. For car rides and phone calls and pink flowers and the million ways you have poured your love into my house this week.

That I am so weak. In all my talk of walking on and being better and pushing forward and loving harder I began to mistakenly believe I was a little bit invincible. I began to believe I was Wonder Woman. And I realize the good Lord didn’t make me to wear a “W” on my chest. But this doesn’t mean He didn’t make me wonderfully.

That my heart is so full of love and sorrow and a deep desire to be better tomorrow that this pen feels ridiculously flimsy in my hand and I feel like I will never have the words to tell you my heart.

That because of who I am and who has taught me strength and the ways I have learned to love this world, I cannot help but try to find the words to tell you anyway.

-Jessi Sanders 2012


4 thoughts on “The Words to Tell You.

  1. Jessi,
    I guess we all feel this way from time to time.
    But, this is because of the things in life that we come in contact with
    This article proves that you can put difficult feelings into words that are easily understood.
    You are a FINE person, with a wonderful gift.
    Hopefully these feelings have passed by now.
    Thanks for sharing.

  2. Anything that can be fully described or expressed in words does not partake of the world to come. That is what heaven is for.

    1. Thank you for your thoughts Mr. Kilgore. You are right, all the questions and uncertainty of this life will be put to rest is heaven. By the way, I missed telling you happy birthday on Facebook! I hope you had an incredibly blessed day!

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